Friday, December 9, 2016

Is My Heart Big Enough?

Let's talk about another subject that can sometimes be controversial.
Mom Guilt
Now, that can mean a lot of things, but in this instance I'm talking about the guilt moms sometimes feel when they get pregnant with another child.
Have I ruined my other child/ren's lives?
Will they resent me?
Is my heart big enough for everyone?
Those are just some of the questions that run though our least mine.
Adding a new member to a family, planned or unplanned, is always scary.  Mainly because it's such a mystery as to how it will turn out.  You can plan, talk, and strategize all you never turns out how you think.  Uncertainty is scary.
I remember when I got pregnant with Brook, I remember trying to convince myself that I wanted this, that Hailey needed a sibling and she'd thank me for it one day.  But I also felt horrible.  I had always wanted more kids, but when I'd look at pictures of the three of us, or how she fit perfect between Matt and I my brain started going nuts.  What had I done?!  Our family was perfect the way it was and now I'm throwing it up into chaos!  What if they don't get along?? etc. etc.
After Brook was born, I'll admit, I had a hard time bonding.  I don't know if that's from the fact that I didn't really get to hold her much among delivery (I had a pain shot that knocked me out, plus she was jaundice a tad so she was in something for that) or postpartum, which I struggled with.
But once things settled down and I saw my girls together things worked out.
Yes, things changed, but we figured it out and made it work together.  Turns out, as a mother, your heart grows....
Now, here I sit, pregnant for the third time and BAM mom guilt.
You'd think I wouldn't feel like this after the first time. But oh yes, I do.  I have those same questions, same fears, and same "what have I done?" feelings.
I know once the baby is here and things start to make sense again everything will fall into place, but right now it's kind of a scary feeling.
I have to just remind myself that I've done this before and it will all work out.
 Have you ever experience "mom guilt"?

Thursday, December 1, 2016


It's December!
Where has the time gone?  Time for a good ol' fashioned family update!  Though it hasn't been that long since the last one, so there isn't much to report.
Hailey will be turning 6 in four days!  I can't handle my little baby growing up so fast.
She also just lost another tooth, her top front.  She has two other teeth that are loose also and not far behind.  Every time I see her it throws me off.  I hope her new tooth grows in fast!  She really needs a haircut, but that's one more thing that will make her look different!  My poor heart
Brooklyn is pretty much the same.  Though she is slowly growing sassier and sassier.  Man sometimes she drives me nuts!  She also reminds me a lot of her cousin Evie.  Just the way she talks and things like that.  It's trippy!
With Hailey's birthday and Christmas, she has had a real hard time keeping her mouth shut on presents haha.  She doesn't do it on purpose, she just talks and talks and it flows out.
Matt doesn't really have much to report.  His new route is finally starting to even out I believe.  The working at 4am thing still sucks.  Too bad the stores he delivers for don't open earlier.  His first training route he went in at midnight and was home by 7 or so.  That was quite least compared to this.
I'm surviving.  Life is kind of stressful and I hate pregnancy hahaha.  Don't get me wrong, I love my children, and it was totally planned, knowing I would hate it, but man do I hate it!
24 weeks now.  Still feeling sick.  I still take a pill everyday, though it is down from two a day.  The mornings are the worst.  I feel so sick I can never eat breakfast.  Also less and less food sounds good to me.  The few foods I would eat have turned on me and now taste like crap! Not to mention the constant dancing this baby does doesn't help.  I may end up losing weight this time around.
On the bright side, I'm almost done with Christmas shopping!
 (pic from 20 weeks)
I attempted to take some family photos, but with the snow and my paranoia of my camera getting ruined they didn't turn out too well.  I think I'm going to try to redo them in front of our Christmas tree, once it's up (I wait till after Hailey's birthday)
So, with some stresses gone, and new ones to replace them, we soldier on!

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Baby Name Drama

Let me start this out with, YES I know that it's my choice and I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks....but sometimes (especially for me) you can't help it.
So, I have always had a thing about sharing my baby names.  People can be cruel, and also some people just run their mouths without thinking things through.
I will admit that I can be too sensitive to what other people say....but it's also my baby's name! haha
First of all, I'm not one of those people who think that a name is like...your IDENTITY hard core like I've seen some people say.  It's a name.
BUT I also don't like to have names that are really hard to spell (they are going to have a hard enough time with their last name), or that a million people have.
In 4th grade, I had three Matthews and at least two Brittanys in my class.  And man did it get confusing.  I, however, never had that problem.  The only other Vickie I ever saw was a teacher's first name.  And, as silly as it is, I loved that fact.  So I always try to pick a name that isn't super popular.
I also try really hard to find a name I don't associate anyone with.  I know that's not 100% possible, but if it's an immediate reminder of someone I hated that sorry but it's out!
Now the drama really starts when you tell other people your name.  If it's a name that you really love, then you hear the people in your life saying they hate hurts.
Once upon a time, Hailey was going to be named Hannah.  But I had someone close to me ruin it.  "Every Hannah I know is a bitch....just an FYI"
I know I shouldn't of let it bother me, but it did....a lot.
Luckily we found the name Hailey and it suits her.
With Brooklyn, we never really had this issue.  Some people looked at us like "really?" but that's about it.
But this time around.  I'm a little more into old fashioned names or just unique without being weird names, if that makes sense.
And well, a lot of people I know don't seem to agree.  The names are all a little different then what's going around now, so they give me grief.  I don't think anyone has been like "Oh I love that name!" with any of our names yet.  Well, besides Matt and Hailey.
So I've hesitated to tell anyone else what names I'm thinking of.  I've had people point out teasing possibilities, but honestly, kids are dicks and if they want to tease someone they can think of any reason, they don't need a name.  Plus aren't there just too many weird and unique names out there now for anyone to make fun of anyone? bahaha
We're still trying to decide fully, but Matt has a name that he really likes and, unlike me, he could care less what anyone says.  So I may have to tap into his attitude and just go with it.  But we'll see.
Once she is named I'll let you know!
Have you had any baby name drama?

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Gender Disappointment

Let's talk about a slightly controversial subject.
If you know me, then you probably know that I'm pregnant.
What you probably don't know, since I haven't "publicly announced" it, is that I'm having my 3rd girl.
With this realization came a wave of disappointment, one bigger than I honestly anticipated.
And what followed that was a wave of guilt.  I was disappointed with my baby's gender and I felt like a horrible person for feeling that way.
So I went searching a bit in hopes of finding some connection somewhere about how I felt.  And I found it in quite a few places.  I knew this wasn't a new phenomenon, but I still felt alone.
Now, the reason this is controversial is because there are people out there with the mentality of "At least you have a baby!" and things like that.  Don't get me wrong....I feel VERY blessed that I have not had to struggle like some people I know.  And will I still love my baby even though it's a girl? OF COURSE!!
One lady explained it as the death of a dream.  Usually when you get pregnant, you end up with an image in your head of what your baby will be like.  And if ends up being the opposite of what you imagined, you see all those dreams fade.  It just takes time to rearrange them into something new to fit reality.
Another thing that really doesn't help are the people around you.  In our situation, this is our third girl.  Both sides of our family are very girl heavy.  Matt always wanted a brother, but has two sisters, plus mostly female cousins and such.  On my side, this would have been the first boy grandchild in 10 years or so.
So when we tell people that it's a girl we get that "oh...better luck next time?" or "that's too bad."
Even if they say "Oh another girl huh" you can tell that they are silently saying "that sucks"
It makes it so much harder to process and deal with when people around you are disappointed as well.  It almost feels as if no one is excited or accepting this time around.
We also did all those little "tips and tricks" to get boys.  None are scientific, of course, and I can name a bunch of reasons how those things could of messed up.  Ex: (TMI Warning!) They say if you try after you ovulate (but before your period) then you are more likely for a boy.  I could of ovulated later then predicted.  Or maybe Matt's DNA just doesn't make many, if any males.
But with all that 'effort' to try these tricks and such, I almost feel like a failure.....silly I know.
All in all, I love my baby.  And she will be loved regardless of how I felt at the ultrasound or what anyone else projects at us.
But also, don't feel alone if you have felt this way.  Don't let others make you feel worse.
Everything will work out.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016


Hello again!
I have idea for what I want to write about, but how about we start off with a good ol' fashioned family update!
Hailey has started Kindergarten and is loving it! She has a little best friend and is learning to read.  The one day I made her miss because she was sick she cried because she wanted to go.
Speaking of sickness....being in school for the first time, we get a lot of sicknesses traveling through our house.
She's lost 2 teeth, taken her first swim class, and started learning to ride a bike.
You can really tell how much Hailey has grown up just by listening to her.  She's going to be 6 in a month!  CRAZY!
Brooklyn is finally potty trained!  It actually didn't take too long.  I just took a while to get her started.  But as of right now, I am changing no diapers! (soon to change) Now I just need to get that damn binky away from her.  It's hard because she uses it as a comfort item as well as just sucking on it (she uses 2 at a time)
She really misses Hailey when she goes to school.  If I take or pick up Hailey without her, she gets very upset.
Her eating habits are driving me crazy!  Sometime she eats real well, but more often than not she barely eats.  Grr arg!
Also, she has developed the weirdest vocabulary.  She watches shows like Peppa Pig and The Little Kingdom (British shows) so she has picked up a lot from those. 
A few examples; "swim costume" "bubble mixture" "this day" "going on holiday" "I'm just a small child" "can I have a go?"
Hahaha I love it
Mathew has started a new job delivering bread.  He went to trucking school, and this isn't exactly the truck driving job he envisioned for himself, but it's a good job and he does pretty well so it all works out.  The only sucky part is that he goes into work at 4AM *cringe*
Other then that, I don't think there is much to report on Mr. Matt....unless you count his ever growing beard teehee

As for me, if you haven't heard.....I'm pregnant with our 3rd baby.  21 weeks today to be exact.
It's been an interesting pregnancy.  Super sick. I had to ask my doctor for some pills so I could actually eat food. I feel like I ballooned real quick this time around.  And, of course, being extra tired having to chase after 2 kids while making another.  I've also just been super uncomfortable.  I also have very bland answers when people ask me questions about it, and I'm not sure why.  More like a "Yes, I'm pregnant again.  It's the same as last time nothing new blah blah" haha.

As a family we've been trying to go on as many adventures as we can.  That usually involves hanging out with my parents.  We finally got a new car, so now Austin doesn't have to sit in my trunk anymore.  The girls seem to be excited about baby as well.
Hoping to move out of our apartment soon.  I really don't want to carry a baby up three flights of stairs multiple times a day!
Wish us luck!!


Monday, November 7, 2016

Hello Again

Wow, it has almost been a year since I posted on here.
Sometimes I think to myself "why bother, no one reads it" which, lets be honest, no one does.  BUT it's almost like a diary.  I have one of those minds that has a lot that runs through it at all times of the day.  So sometimes, coming here and trying to organize my thoughts into sentences that (almost) make sense helps clear my mind.
Which also, if anyone knows of any other blog websites (what's the new 'big thing'? haha) let me know!
So, I may start writing on here again to get feelings on my chest or attempt to clear my head.  It doesn't always help.  Some feelings are just too intense to go away that easily, but hey! what does it hurt to try! I already have some things I know I can write about. (even though I try real hard to not get carried away.....people don't always like it when I let my mouth fly)
I look forward to seeing if anyone reads and/or connects.  If not, then Hi future self!  Stop rolling your eyes at me! It all made sense in the moment.....

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Happy New Years

Happy New Year!
How was your 2015?
Ours was full of plenty of ups and downs.  Hard decisions and fun times.
But I'm having high hopes for 2016!
Some of my goals include:
The stereotypical GET HEALTHY
This is a big one for me.  I've struggled with it for quite a while now.  Change is hard for me, and with the big change we just made, this may be even harder.
This includes the normal diet and exercise, but also things like making time to wash my face and brush my teeth every night, stretch, and whatnot.
This one is still a work in progress, because I need to break it down into smaller goals.  Even the things I do for fun get all mixed up since I can't make up my mind and focus on one thing.
I need this bad! But this is probably the one I have the least idea how to accomplish.  Part of it is just the way my head works, and I have no idea how to train my brain to change it's mind.  Time to do some research and soul searching!
I put quotes because I know people are going to nitpick it, but I don't mean it offensively.  It's just what I call the group of stuff I want to do. Ex: Keep up on housework, cook more home meals, work on Hailey's school, things like that
I don't have too many goals, but they are broad and hard to accomplish.  I need to break them down into smaller goals and work from there, but that's where I usually fail.  I need a life coach! Haha
What I should do, is sit with Matt, find out what goals he wants to accomplish this year, and figure out how we can help each other.
I also may sit down with Hailey and explain goals to her and help her accomplish a little goal of her own, and help her get motivated early on.
So...high hopes for 2016!