Tuesday, March 3, 2015

The Sadness That Follows Loss

Many of you may not know that one of my best friends in the world is a man I met on World of Warcraft named Mike (or D) who lives in Washington and drives a truck for a living.
We've been friends for years now and we used to "share a brain".  It's faded a little since we haven't been able to visit each other for a couple years due to his new job and our lack of funds.  But, at least from my end, I still consider us close.
On February 27th, Matt and I got a phone call from his wife telling us that one of his children.....had jumped off of a freeway bridge and has not been found, presumed dead.
The minute that I heard that, my heart shattered.  I spent the rest of the day in tears.  It felt almost like it was wrong to do anything "entertaining" since this life had just been lost, and I could only imagine the pain of losing one of your children.
Now, to be honest, I didn't really know Trystan all that well.  We had met, and had interacted several times when he would tag along with his dad when he would do runs down to Los Angeles and we'd meet up.  I did know him through Mike talking about him and wanting to strengthen their bond.
At first, I felt like I didn't have the right to grieve this young man when there were people out there who knew him a lot more than I did, and were ten times more heartbroken than I.
But, honestly, I realized that didn't matter.  I knew him, even a little.  I knew what he meant to his family....a family that I happen to consider my friends.  And now that family is in so much pain.  Thinking about it now still brings tears to my eyes.  My heart is aching for friend who is too far away for me to hug and help out in a time of need.....though we do plan to do our best to attend the memorial service for Trystan.
A touchy subject.  There are arguments about it and stereotypes to accompany it.  But I feel that there is no way to fully understand it.  Everybody is so different, their situations, their feelings, their mental health.  Sometimes you just don't know.
Trystan was only 18.  How do you tell the difference between the stereotyped 'teen angst" and cries for help?  Yes, there are a lot of over dramatic kids who act the part of depressed.  But there are the few mixed in who really feel lost or helpless.  There are some who just so happen to have the chemical imbalance that causes depression and bi-polar.  You just never know, and that's the hard part.
I remember when I felt so low that I wanted to die.  Luckily, I snapped out of it.  I'm not going to lie....my mind has wondered there since that night.  That it would be easier.  But after having kids, and 100% now after this....I would never.
Did he really feel as though he wouldn't be missed?
Was he stressed about life?
Did he just feel sad and not understand why?
The thing I do know is that he will be dearly missed
This is a tragedy
And I hope that this doesn't happen anymore.
If you feel lost, talk to someone.
If I know you, and you feel lost, talk to me.  I'll gladly listen.
I love you all
In Loving Memory of Trystan Gabriel Wilder