Friday, December 9, 2016

Is My Heart Big Enough?

Let's talk about another subject that can sometimes be controversial.
Mom Guilt
Now, that can mean a lot of things, but in this instance I'm talking about the guilt moms sometimes feel when they get pregnant with another child.
Have I ruined my other child/ren's lives?
Will they resent me?
Is my heart big enough for everyone?
Those are just some of the questions that run though our least mine.
Adding a new member to a family, planned or unplanned, is always scary.  Mainly because it's such a mystery as to how it will turn out.  You can plan, talk, and strategize all you never turns out how you think.  Uncertainty is scary.
I remember when I got pregnant with Brook, I remember trying to convince myself that I wanted this, that Hailey needed a sibling and she'd thank me for it one day.  But I also felt horrible.  I had always wanted more kids, but when I'd look at pictures of the three of us, or how she fit perfect between Matt and I my brain started going nuts.  What had I done?!  Our family was perfect the way it was and now I'm throwing it up into chaos!  What if they don't get along?? etc. etc.
After Brook was born, I'll admit, I had a hard time bonding.  I don't know if that's from the fact that I didn't really get to hold her much among delivery (I had a pain shot that knocked me out, plus she was jaundice a tad so she was in something for that) or postpartum, which I struggled with.
But once things settled down and I saw my girls together things worked out.
Yes, things changed, but we figured it out and made it work together.  Turns out, as a mother, your heart grows....
Now, here I sit, pregnant for the third time and BAM mom guilt.
You'd think I wouldn't feel like this after the first time. But oh yes, I do.  I have those same questions, same fears, and same "what have I done?" feelings.
I know once the baby is here and things start to make sense again everything will fall into place, but right now it's kind of a scary feeling.
I have to just remind myself that I've done this before and it will all work out.
 Have you ever experience "mom guilt"?

Thursday, December 1, 2016


It's December!
Where has the time gone?  Time for a good ol' fashioned family update!  Though it hasn't been that long since the last one, so there isn't much to report.
Hailey will be turning 6 in four days!  I can't handle my little baby growing up so fast.
She also just lost another tooth, her top front.  She has two other teeth that are loose also and not far behind.  Every time I see her it throws me off.  I hope her new tooth grows in fast!  She really needs a haircut, but that's one more thing that will make her look different!  My poor heart
Brooklyn is pretty much the same.  Though she is slowly growing sassier and sassier.  Man sometimes she drives me nuts!  She also reminds me a lot of her cousin Evie.  Just the way she talks and things like that.  It's trippy!
With Hailey's birthday and Christmas, she has had a real hard time keeping her mouth shut on presents haha.  She doesn't do it on purpose, she just talks and talks and it flows out.
Matt doesn't really have much to report.  His new route is finally starting to even out I believe.  The working at 4am thing still sucks.  Too bad the stores he delivers for don't open earlier.  His first training route he went in at midnight and was home by 7 or so.  That was quite least compared to this.
I'm surviving.  Life is kind of stressful and I hate pregnancy hahaha.  Don't get me wrong, I love my children, and it was totally planned, knowing I would hate it, but man do I hate it!
24 weeks now.  Still feeling sick.  I still take a pill everyday, though it is down from two a day.  The mornings are the worst.  I feel so sick I can never eat breakfast.  Also less and less food sounds good to me.  The few foods I would eat have turned on me and now taste like crap! Not to mention the constant dancing this baby does doesn't help.  I may end up losing weight this time around.
On the bright side, I'm almost done with Christmas shopping!
 (pic from 20 weeks)
I attempted to take some family photos, but with the snow and my paranoia of my camera getting ruined they didn't turn out too well.  I think I'm going to try to redo them in front of our Christmas tree, once it's up (I wait till after Hailey's birthday)
So, with some stresses gone, and new ones to replace them, we soldier on!