Sunday, July 28, 2013


to Sonnie and Sadie!


Saturday, July 27, 2013


Yes....I know my dogs birthday
My doggie is the best doggie ever!  She's beautiful and sweet and talks :)


Friday, July 26, 2013


Another sorry in advance.  But hey, last time it seemed to help getting it off my chest.
Ok, I know this is going to sound crazy.  I always pictured myself having multiple children.  I was getting upset and very baby hungry before I got pregnant.  I had this idea of how close I wanted my first two to be, and that limit had already past.  It felt like everyone around me was having their second child and I was upset.  Matt told me it would be better to wait till we could find a better job so we could move (which we are still looking if you know of any good jobs).
Then I started getting over it.  I would look at Hailey and I decided I hadn't had enough time just her.  Did I even want more kids?  Everyone I know has siblings.  But I am like...obsessed with Hailey.  I know that sounds silly, but that's the best way to put it.
Right as I had decided maybe it would be better to wait....BAM....pregnant.  Sigh, that's usually how it works isn't it.
Now that baby could come any day, I'm terrified!  How am I going to handle two?  Is Hailey going to feel left out?  I plan on letting her help as much as possible (or what she wants) and she tells me she's excited and talks to my belly and what not, but it still scares me.  How do people do it with more then one?!  And because of where we live (which I HATE) we are all pretty much in one room.  Are they going to wake up each other, causing me to get no sleep?  Is Hailey's excitement going to fade fast and her hate it or feel left out.  That would kill me.
People say it'll work itself out, but that doesn't stop me from being terrified of it till then haha.
On another note, the job thing.....I'm totally serious.  I swear I have looked everywhere.  In looking for Matt, I would prefer something that isn't too labor intense since his back is bad and the doctor says it may be degenerative.  I look almost everyday and have for years.  It always seems like the nice jobs are hidden and you have to know someone or get lucky, so I'm asking....if you know any, let me know please.  We are open to moving states (even though we really don't want to hah)
And Hailey is growing up too fast!  Just look at this.....

Monday, July 22, 2013

The Problem

Ok, here is the rest of the anxiety post....but I get the feeling it may end up being rambly as well.
Here it goes (hoping it will help getting it off my chest)
Every night since about June, I've been getting crazy panic attacks like clockwork.  And I mean clockwork.  It varies, but usually about 6 every night it kicks in and I freak out.  Sometimes there is something that sets it off, but half the time I have no idea what I'm freaking out about.  Then at about 5 AM it resets and I'm fine.  I usually have a really hard time eating dinner or going to sleep because I'm just freaking out.
I know it's probably just like this because of the pregnancy, but there is a part in the back of my head that makes me worried that it's a permanent change (since I'm already bi-polar), and that, in turn makes me even more panicy.
It's getting really tiresome.  It gives me a headache and makes me tired, and I'm sooooo sick of feeling out of control all the time.  One of the many reasons I wish this baby would hurry up and come *knocks on wood* to see if I go back to being somewhat normal, or if I need to find help sooner than I planned.
Last night was awful.  About a week or so ago, we had gone to the movies, and of course gotten popcorn.  Then that night I sat up and threw up the was horrid.  So when Matt and I went to a movie yesterday, I was terrified to get popcorn.  We got some and I didn't eat near as much as I usually do, but the paranoia still came and I panicked all night about being sick.  The fact that our house has no way of staying cool at night, the heat makes me feel worse, was awful.
Then at about 1AM I was still awake and started like....panicking horribly.  I tried to keep it to myself because Hailey's bed is right there and Matt had to get up at 4AM for work.  But I felt like screaming.  I wasn't even 100% sure what I was freaking out about and that made me feel even worse.....a horrible snowball effect type of thing.
One thing that always happens is that I say to myself that I want this baby out so I can go back to normal, then I think about going into labor and how much I hate hospitals, and I just cry because I feel like there is no way out...a lose lose situation.
I feel like I'm driving Matt insane, and Hailey will catch me crying and wonder what's wrong (and I hate exposing her to it).   I just don't know what to do.  They say that you can talk yourself into a good mood or change yourself that way, but I feel like I have another person in my head that just laughs at me when I try because it knows it's a lie to try to trick myself.
So, am I just screwed, at least until baby comes and I see if that was the problem?  Or is there something else I can try.  I feel like the longer it lasts it's going to permanently mess up my mind and I'll forever be insane.  I'm losing my marbles here!!
End of rant

Tuesday, July 16, 2013


Ok, I know I've mentioned this before but I'm going to again anyway =P
If you watch Anime, or have thought about it, you have to watch Clannad and Clannad: After Story (the second season)
I love anime because it seems to have a special way of telling stories and getting emotion across.  I always get so wrapped up into it!
There is a reason Clannad is on the top 5 list of most anime sites.  It hits every emotion in the rainbow.  It's super funny, and especially sad.  I don't think I've ever cried so much from a show.
And, it's also a little scary.  The first season really sets you up for the second.  It's scary as in it shows them go from High School to the real world and have to support themselves and whatnot, and it can be a scary thing to think about (not as much anymore now that I have a kid and stuff, but thinking back on it, it really is scary to think about).  Seeing how quick it all changes and there is nothing you can do about it.
Anyway....very touching show.
They do have it on Netflix as an English Dub.  Me, personally, I like the Subbed version better because I think the original audio is always best (and it seems like the Japanese voice actors just have more....power).  But I say, however you watch it, you should give it a try!
Am I a weirdo?  Why yes, yes I am *wink*


Saturday, July 13, 2013


Well hello there world!
How goes it?
Me? see.....I've been full of ANXIETY!
I know that people will say it's normal, but I think I take it to the next level.  If you know me, you know that my emotions are already haywire.  But through most of this pregnancy, especially lately, my anxiety level has risen greatly.
Almost every night I freak out about really nothing.  Sometimes it's because I'm afraid someone is sick or going to get sick, sometimes it's thinking about having another baby in the house, and other times it's just.....nothing.  I'll freak out for no reason.
I know being pregnant messes with your emotions, and it will be messed up afterwards for a while, but I fear that I'm never going to go back to normal.
I feel like I got knocked out or am asleep and are dreaming.  Lots of changes lately, big and small, and it feels unreal.  I feel like I'm going to wake up and not be pregnant or Matt's back isn't going to hurt him anymore.
I had this all organized in my head before I started writing, and now it's all in shambles. Sigh
My mind is just like waiting for something really bad to happen.  If I try to tell myself everything is fine and everything will be Ok, the stronger voice is my head laughs at me and says that just saying it isn't going to matter.
I know people say you can change it yourself, but I have no idea how.  I have a little person in my head who is self destructive and hateful.  I have no idea how to drown them out and eradicate them from my brain. I sit here everything I wanted to say is leaking out of my head with Hailey saying it's lunch time haha.  So maybe I'll reprise this later......after lunch.

Saturday, July 6, 2013


I've got the nesting bug bad
Seems silly but man do I feel it.  Part of it is because I want baby to come early, so I want to make sure everything is done.  But I also feel like if I get stuff done too early, than I'm jinxing myself or it's just going to get messed up again.
Lately I've been trying to de-junk a little.  Our house looks so crowded.....but in reality we don't really have that much stuff....just as much as any average family.  The difference is we have NO space in this tiny, crappy barn.
I did manage to get rid of two broken printers we've had for a while.  I kept them because Hailey used them as her computer, and also her washing machine.  But when I told her we were getting rid of them she was ok haha.
I also had kept all my old magazines.  I told myself I was going to go back for some recipes and exercise moves in them....but I had SO many and I knew I wouldn't. So I ditched them.
Now I need to decide if my old computer works or not, and if there are any parts in it worth keeping so I can ditch that.  Matt's old computer we are going to wipe clean and give to Austin so he can have a computer.
I also managed to simplify Hailey's toys a little.  I could have gone through them when she was asleep and get rid of whatever I wanted....but I didn't want to do that.  I know she is only 2, but I want to teach her to let go of her junk.  So this morning we emptied her boxes, first stuffed animals, then her toys, and got rid of the ones she didn't play with anymore.  We really didn't get rid of too much, but man did it make the boxes go down, and I feel relieved.  Why am I making a list of everything I've gotten rid of? I don't makes me feel more accomplished I guess.
We finally got the bug man to come.  It won't too much just because of where we live and the crappy status of this barn (holes EVERYWHERE! I hate it).
But hopefully it will put a halt to the ants and baby spiders for a while.  Now I want to wash the walls a little.  And Matt wants to rent a rug doctor for the carpets.  We want to clean the carpets before Hailey's bed arrives so there isn't one more thing in the way.
We are also debating if we should rearrange our upstairs so Hailey isn't sleeping so close to the stairs.  If you've seen my house, you know what I'm talking about.
I know the house won't stay too clean.  With a toddler, only dirt around, holes for spiders and other's amazing I keep it as clean as I do.  But man I still feel like there is more to do then there is.
Watch out for crazy pregnant woman!

Wednesday, July 3, 2013


We went to Texas this last week.  I had decided to invite Austin along because it's someplace he's never been and they have tons of birds and stuff he hasn't seen.
I wish I had taken more pictures, but it was HOT and I'm not going to lie, I was a little pissy from it.  That and I didn't really think about it.
We went to the beach several times, but I didn't really go in the water much because it was making me sick a little, and there were quite a few jellyfish, and I didn't feel like getting even a little sting haha.

Then one day we went to the aquarium.  The bird show didn't have many birds, but I think that's part because it was so windy.  And, of course, we watched the dolphin show.  I think both Hailey and Austin had a good time.

We went and saw some sights.  There is a marine school there that has a little area you can go look at.  And, right across from our hotel, there is the big mermaid that Hailey thought was so cool.

Then of course, there are the animals.  I tried to get a picture of this derpy bird that kept hanging around the hotel, but Hailey scared him away.  There were also a couple cats that hung around the hotel...we think that may be why we saw almost no lizards.  We saw some geckos on the glass super late at night, but I didn't have my phone.  We did find a crab and a nasty spider in our stairwell though.  There was a baby crab in our hotel too from some shells we had, but he ended up drowning *sadface*  We didn't know if he was a water or land crab, so we left some water in the sink with a shell he could climb out on, but I guess the shell fell into the water.  Poor little crab.
Then there were the domestic animals......Matt was in love with Sean's bearded dragon.  I had to make sure he didn't try to steal her haha.

So yea, I think we all had a pretty good time.  We also had the reunion, of course, and we went mini golfing.  I wish I had gotten pictures from that, but we went at night so we wouldn't boil.
If you care, there are more pictures on my Facebook. (the link should be on my sidebar)

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Cancelled Flights

I have been on tons of airplanes in my life.  In my flight lifetime I have never had a cancelled flight.
This last trip.....we had two.
On the way to Texas we had to get up by 4 to get to LAX.  That flight was late so we hurried and tried to catch our connection in Dallas.  We get there and it's delayed.  They said the mechanics were looking at it.  Shortly after we hear an announcement saying the mechanics put the plane out of order and were trying to find a new plane.  They never did.  So my first cancelled flight was born.  We waited in the line to rebook our flight to Corpus.  The only thing they had was a flight at 8 that night.  So our 6 hour airport marathon started.  Actually, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It was sucky, but it could have been worse.  Hailey got a nice nap out of it though haha.

Once we got there they lost everyone's bags and we had to wait one by one to explain our bags so they could bring them too us.  Another fail on American Airlines part.
Then after a great week in Texas it was time to head home.
Our flight to Houston went smooth then we rush to get to our connection there (because these Texas airports are huge! haha).  Matt took a while because he escorted this blind man to his gate because he was having trouble.
Austin and I arrive at the gate and I'm looking to see if they are boarding, and I see a big CANCELLED.  My heart sank.  So we stand there in another line to see what's going on.  This time I was afraid whatever they had arranged would be full or something because we came late to the show.
The choices we had once we got up there were either stay with our bags for the new flight they booked for everyone at 6AM the next day (this is at 9 at night and they weren't even offering to put people up) or have our bags delivered to us the next day and catch the flight that was leaving right then to the Orange County airport.  So that's what we did.  No way were we spending the night at the airport.  We had extras of almost everything at home anyway.  Makes me wonder how empty that flight was because so many of the people from our flight ended up on it.
So we actually ended up home a little earlier because we caught the OC flight.  But then we had to wait in a line with everyone to get our bags delivered the next day.....which didn't show up until about 6PM...our car seat until about 9PM.
So yea.....two cancelled flights in one trip, it was very interesting to say the least.
And for the last flight over two weeks, we just sent Austin home.  Hailey was very sad.
And now it's July!