The Problem

Ok, here is the rest of the anxiety post....but I get the feeling it may end up being rambly as well.

Here it goes (hoping it will help getting it off my chest)

Every night since about June, I've been getting crazy panic attacks like clockwork.  And I mean clockwork.  It varies, but usually about 6 every night it kicks in and I freak out.  Sometimes there is something that sets it off, but half the time I have no idea what I'm freaking out about.  Then at about 5 AM it resets and I'm fine.  I usually have a really hard time eating dinner or going to sleep because I'm just freaking out.

I know it's probably just like this because of the pregnancy, but there is a part in the back of my head that makes me worried that it's a permanent change (since I'm already bi-polar), and that, in turn makes me even more panicy.

It's getting really tiresome.  It gives me a headache and makes me tired, and I'm sooooo sick of feeling out of control all the time.  One of the many reasons I wish this baby would hurry up and come *knocks on wood* to see if I go back to being somewhat normal, or if I need to find help sooner than I planned.

Last night was awful.  About a week or so ago, we had gone to the movies, and of course gotten popcorn.  Then that night I sat up and threw up the popcorn....it was horrid.  So when Matt and I went to a movie yesterday, I was terrified to get popcorn.  We got some and I didn't eat near as much as I usually do, but the paranoia still came and I panicked all night about being sick.  The fact that our house has no way of staying cool at night, the heat makes me feel worse, was awful.

Then at about 1AM I was still awake and started like....panicking horribly.  I tried to keep it to myself because Hailey's bed is right there and Matt had to get up at 4AM for work.  But I felt like screaming.  I wasn't even 100% sure what I was freaking out about and that made me feel even worse.....a horrible snowball effect type of thing.

One thing that always happens is that I say to myself that I want this baby out so I can go back to normal, then I think about going into labor and how much I hate hospitals, and I just cry because I feel like there is no way out...a lose lose situation.

I feel like I'm driving Matt insane, and Hailey will catch me crying and wonder what's wrong (and I hate exposing her to it).   I just don't know what to do.  They say that you can talk yourself into a good mood or change yourself that way, but I feel like I have another person in my head that just laughs at me when I try because it knows it's a lie to try to trick myself.

So, am I just screwed, at least until baby comes and I see if that was the problem?  Or is there something else I can try.  I feel like the longer it lasts it's going to permanently mess up my mind and I'll forever be insane.  I'm losing my marbles here!!

End of rant

 

 

 

~hyuu!