12 Years Ago

Did you all have a good 4th of July?  Ours was ok.
Today is the day after...the 5th.  Meaningless to most people, but to my family (at least I do) I always remember it as the day my grandma died.
It wasn't all bad.  She finally got to rest after a long battle with cancer.  But, of course, still very sad.  I remember that day very well....
I remember coming home from a fireworks show and going to relief whoever was staying with her at the time.  We stayed for a while than went and slept in Sonnie's bed (me and Malinda that is).  The next morning I woke up late...it felt like I was the last to know because no one woke me up.  I couldn't find anyone than Malinda told me that Grandma was getting ready to go.  We all met upstairs at her bed. 
I remember George telling her to "just go Mom, it's ok"  because she had been fighting so long.  I remember agreeing with him, but also being a little mad because my mom wasn't there yet and hadn't been able to say goodbye.  (sorry Mom, but this is what I remember and I feel like it's an important part to me) When Mom finally got there, she burst through the door in tears.  She ran over to the bed and started crying "I'm sorry Mom, I tried"  The dog had gotten out and she was trying to get her back in before the garage shut.  That part always sticks in my head.  It's part of what makes me feel so uncomfortable to live away from home. 
For some reason, when I have a super clear memory about something, I question how real it actually is.  This is all seen through the eyes of an 11 year old.  This was the first time I watched someone die.  I felt like a sponge, watching everyones emotions and how they handled it.  Sonnie went to the phone and started calling family and friends to say that she had gone.  My mom was talking to someone about how she should of just left the stupid dog, and that the dog was in the car now because she didn't know what else to do.  I don't remember the rest until Malinda and I are back in Sonnie's condo, sitting in the window we used to always sit in.  We had one of Grandma's pillows and were smelling it.  We watched them wheel her away through the window.
Most people probably don't know this, but I feel like this experiance changed me.  This was my first time being involved so closly with death and the stuff that follows.  I had to watch my mom cry and know that there was nothing I could do to fix it.  I also had a pang of guilt because I never really did treat my grandmother right.   I regret it now.  I had made a vow to be closer with my family, but as I look back on it now, I haven't done a very good job (and this includes Matt's family).  Some parts won't be fixed now (if ever) due to personal situations, but some others could be if I just tried to communicate more. 
Well, I've lost my train of thought sitting here and I think I got off the point I wanted to make.  The main point is.  I do love you and miss you Grandma. 

~hyuu!