Friendship

Is friendship fleeting?

I never really had that many friends growing up.  I had a couple close friends and that was it.  I remember even back in kindergarten sitting at the playground alone.  Being shy didn't help, but from what I remember, I didn't really get approached either.

 

All of school was pretty much the same.  Had my few friends and that was it.  I had some acquaintances, and some friends that teeter tottered back and forth.

High school I feel like I had even less contact with people.  That's mostly my fault, seeing as I struggled hard with my bi-polar at that time.  I had a couple friends, I feel like, messed with me.  Even now when I go back and read my diary from that time I can't believe it was real drama.  They had to be picking on me.  If you ask them now, they may have a different story, but that's on them.

 

So now I'm "grown" and moved to another state and have two kids.  And now I can say that I don't really have any real friends here.  Sure, there are people I talk to online every once in a while, and Matt's friends who I talk to merely cause they know him (aka I don't think they necessarily consider me their friend).

Part of it is me.  I'm kind of paranoid and don't really know what qualifies someone as a friend.  And sometimes I'm 'self loathing' and just figure by default that people don't like me (that's what history has shown me).  Plus I don't really know anyone with the same 'childish' hobbies that I have.  I like 'normal things too, but the bulk is pretty nerdy haha.

 

I'm not going to lie....I feel a little lonely.  I don't feel like I have a close enough relationship with anyone around me I could keep a conversation going without awkwardness for any kind of outing.  Plus having two kids makes it hard anyway.  Makes me feel kind of old (which I know I'm not) haha.

 

But when I look back, I really don't talk to old friends online that much.  We never text or call.  An occasional Facebook comment or Instagram like.  That river runs both ways.  I'm just as bad at keeping up (but that voice sometimes says they don't want to hear from me).

Friends that Matt made at old jobs, even here in California, don't keep in touch either.  I remember back to our "going away party" Matt and I threw for ourselves when we were moving here.  I thought for sure most of Matt's friends would show.  And even though I said I didn't think anyone would come, inside I thought for sure a couple would.

One.

One person showed up for about 15 minutes. Thanks Alyssa

I was kind of surprised. Oh well I figured.

 

So now, I feel like I can't make new friends, or hold on to old ones.

So I ask.  What is a friend.  Was I a bad one?  Were mine good ones?  How do I get more?  Should I even try?

 

I swear this had a point when I started, but between rambling getting the better of me, and chasing Baby B around the house since she's crazy, I kind of lost it haha.

 

 

 

~hyuu!